Probably a year or two ago I heard about a movie that came out with Jennifer Garner in it. It was called something like the “Day of Yes”. I could probably google it right now and find out, but that would ruin my ruminating fun. Basically, the mom decides she will say ‘yes’ to whatever request her children make, and then they will have the best day ever. I’m not sure how the movie turns out, but I’d say everyone gets what they want.
I have earned, in my life, the reputation as a friend who says “no”. I know this for a fact because my friend, Megan, called me recently and pondered aloud if she should do a certain thing, take on a certain responsibility, and I told her that ‘no’ was always an option. And Megan replied, “I think that’s why I called you! I knew you would tell me ‘no’!”
I love saying ‘no’ so I can be available to a better ‘yes’.
That is very cliche, because it definitely is a cliche.
So what. It’s a good cliche!
Annie Dillard and Brenda Ueland and Heather Sellers (Page After Page) are all writers who’ve found immense value in tuning out the noise of yeses to make time for better pursuits–of course that is writing, in their case. This is specific to my own interest, and I’ve found it true–I write better when I’m not constantly consuming or running around. I say ‘no’ to loud because a quiet lifestyle helps the wheels turn.
But I’ve also observed life trickle away from people who are too busy to watch their kids grow, learn to talk, walk, eat, and bicker (and eventually get along). They’ve said ‘yes’ to a nice house and hefty car payment and childcare and subsequently said ‘no’ to playdoh on the table, a messy house, mud and music. Or they’ve said ‘yes’ to a million kid activities and teams and trips and they wonder why their kids are grouchy and attached to a cell phone. (I have a theory that cell phones have become a child’s ‘no’ to the parent who has said ‘no’ to them; “no, I won’t give you my attention because you don’t give me yours.”)
I don’t think I’ve got any superior insight here, I just know that I’m always better off when I say no. Or when a no is issued in my direction–I will take those, too. Like when a door is slammed shut in my universe and God is telling me to drop it–He did that to me a year and a half ago when I got chronic hives and couldn’t get off the couch or do anything but cry in misery. That ended whatever ‘yes’ I had forced on my family (homeschool by fist of iron).
And it ended the constant worry of what should I do? that runs circles in a mom’s head.
Here’s your heaven-sent answer: don’t do (fill-in-the-blank).
I was talking with my mom about how interesting it is that God likes to issue us ‘no’s in the form of health crises. We have both gotten loud, reverberating ‘no’s that feels a lot like suffering but eventually leads us to greener pastures.
And still, the spirit of the world seems to high-five the gal who can work full-time, raise children, and run a marathon while on chemotherapy, raising money for her cancer foundation. (This was announced over the loudspeaker at a race I attended and made every other mom who’d ever said ‘no’ feel like a real loser. Or they felt inspired, which might be worse.)
This same spirit is alive and well in the spirit of Christians who are determined to support a cause or usher in God’s kingdom or whatever divine goal tickles their fancy. It’s a ‘yes’ that looks for windows when doors slam shut. It’s planning a million-dollar church building and praying with great faith that “God will provide the funds.” What if God never asked you to unlatch that window, but you still leaned a ladder against the wall and smashed a rock through it anyway? What is God supposed to do then so you might understand His will?
See, saying ‘no’ gives a person permission to humbly recognize their own humanity and limits. A better ‘yes’ lives inside our limited, unreliable self, believe it or not.
Why else has He “chosen the weak in this world to shame the strong”? Why else are we described as “jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us”?
These are the people the Lord wants to use–not the window smashing, don’t-ask-permission-now-but-forgiveness-later muscle men, but the whispering ‘no’ folks who have been yearning for the right ‘yes’.
I always felt like the clergy, pastors and ministers–made this very difficult on the youth–they’d tell us to pray to know the will of God.
I’m twenty years past being a youth, and I can say for a fact that until I opened a Bible and actually tried to read it, it did me no good to ask God to reveal His will for me.
But twenty years in and now knowing the emphasis God places on a godly marriage–I can see a ‘no’ from God when Joe and I aren’t on the same page, and we can’t go another step until we’ve resolved it.
And I know how He sets people in families, and my responsibility right now is to raise my kids (a hearty ‘yes’ from Him) and to “store up heavenly treasures, not treasures on earth,” so my social status (found in my job, appearance, car, or house) has no business factoring into the equation.
I’m reminded to not “walk in the path of the wicked, nor stand in the way of sinners, nor sit in the seat of scoffers” and so I give a ‘no’ to posting junk or reading it on social media.
This gives me plenty of ‘yes’ time for better pursuits. Still, there are instances where “do not lean on your own understanding” felt tricky and stifling.
I will never forget the time a Bible study writer and leader approached me after church one day when I was rushing out with two crying babies. “Pearl,” she said, “we really want you to lead a Wednesday group. I know you’re busy, but this is important. It needs to be a priority in your life.“ I could feel tears welling up, and I am sure she thought she was really striking a chord with me, slathering on the conviction. But I was teary because I hadn’t slept the night before. My cheeks were wet because my babies required so much of me–here was an adult telling me I had more to offer–and I was, deep down, a ‘no’ person being asked to bust out windows. I was conflicted, confused, angry, upset.
I’ve wondered since how much I lost out on by not leading the Bible study group. But I don’t think I would’ve done a very good job at it. My husband would’ve suffered through my whining at not being able to manage it all. My kids would’ve gotten the short end of the stick. And I wouldn’t have learned all those lessons I know now that come from constant service born of love for my family. Diapers, dishes–menial, unending stuff that teaches a mom exactly the lengths God is willing to go to care for his children. I think God confirmed His ‘no’ for me in that very situation–I happened to find out I was pregnant again within months. How gently He leads those who have young ones.
Here is the real secret in knowing God’s will–he isn’t going to make you crawl out a window when he closes a door. He will open a floodgate and you’ll get whooshed out on a wave–all those little no’s rushing out in one big YES.
We like to think God puts us in hard situations and we need to overcome them to prove something. But He often makes the right thing completely obvious–the most basic, simple, down-to-earth, zero-entry option.
Blessed is the person who does not walk in the way of the wicked…who does not stand in the way of sinners…who does not sit in the seat of scoffers….
Psalm 1 has always been about the ‘no’ people, and there is proof of it in my life. I’m like a tree, planted, yielding fruit in season and my leaf doesn’t wither.
It’s given way to a wave of yeses.
Yes, I have a family who loves me and whom I love.
Yes, I have time to serve others.
Yes, I can be generous with my money.
Yes, my life is filled with spirit-fruit–joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, self-control.
Yes, I’m writing about it.
Yes, I’m thankful.
