I am so happy the kids are back in school—yes, public—yes, all of them! If you have read my blog for any amount of time, you know the flip-flopping (although I don’t think of it as that; there is plenty of examining and deliberation) we have done, and the deep feelings I have on every angle.
I love teachers. I love school. I love learning. I love kids being home. I love watching them be out of the home, doing their thing. I love being with them; I love hearing all the things they do in a day without me. I love watching kids grow up.
I don’t love screen addiction. I don’t love busy-ness for the sake of being busy.
I know readers and friends think me the biggest overthinker when it comes to making pros and cons lists on every single schooling situation, but this is undoubtedly due to our history and present circumstances.
My husband was educated by a hardcore homeschooling mother until highschool, then moved between four public schools before he graduated. To this day he harbors resentment when he recalls his teenage years and gaps in his education.
I’ve felt incredible pressure to get the schooling situation right because I also have been influenced by folks who are sheltering, rule-abiding, and (sometimes) judgmental. My growing up days involved anxiety and depression (and probably some underlying OCD), and I strived to be the perfect people pleaser—that impossible task that results in major unhappiness.
It didn’t take many words from well-meaning people to sink deep in my soul and cause major doubt.
Terrified of making the wrong decision (or at least facing the repercussions and reactions from people around us), my biggest struggle in life has always been confidence. I do not think this is common to most people. Maybe more people are self-assured, or maybe they aren’t over-thinkers like me.
These internal thoughts have been complicated by the children we have and the special needs that came with them. Each family has a distinct “recipe”—our past, our convictions, our struggles, our children, our future. I cannot nurse the old habit of people-pleasing when now I understand that the recipe never called on that particular ingredient in the first place.
But Jesus continues to transform me, thank goodness. The Bible has been my prescription, and over twenty years of marriage I have studied enough to understand my faults and the faithfulness of God. He has redeemed my flaws to a point where I do think my constant self-doubt has been replaced by complete trust and the gift of discernment, or at least solid discretion (more on that later).
So, schooling: to feel good about the situation we are in, to not feel overwhelmed, to feel like things are manageable…This is a huge deal.
Our kids have, to date, lived in two different states, four different cities, attended five different schools (the largest district having over 80,000 students, the smallest, 600, the current, 5,100), bumped up and down grades, a short stint at a magnet school, three and a half years of homeschool: one year of shared schooling, one year of online schooling, one year in a co-op. I’ve taught public school and I’ve struggled at home teaching four kids while dealing with health issues.
And the kids are fine. They really are! We just attended another back to school night and met dozens of new-to-us teachers and administration. My kids are joyful—I am, too.
If I have learned anything at all, it’s that no perfect schooling situation exists, but there is complete peace when you give the reins to Jesus. None of our years have been wasted.
How I’d like to pass on this confidence to friends who are struggling in schooling situations! But I realize how each family is unique, and each path to peace is so affected by our own personal issues.
This isn’t about school, but it is about doing what is right based on what is true, because you are confident of what is right and true. Most of us will forever battle the battles with the wrong weapons because we are heavily influenced by the world or people around us, and truth is somewhat veiled.
If you are fortunate enough to get to a low point in your life that causes an about-face, one in which your only plea is, “God, help me! Show me how to get out of this mess I’ve made,” then you have cried out for wisdom.
If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.
James 1:5
Back to discernment, then, and how to stand strong when doubt shadows your door.
I remember a church, several years ago, wanting all of us to take a little Gary Chapman survey to tell us what our love language is, because somehow that would help us understand how to be better people, a better church. I didn’t take it, being highly suspicious of such antics, but also too busy with babies—there was no way we were staying after church for a survey in the basement, since everyone was screaming for lunch and a nap—I would’ve loved a good night’s sleep, and old Gary didn’t have a category or anyone to to help me out with that.
Mostly folks came back up the stairs and announced, “mine is physical touch!” Or “mine is quality time!” It was fun and novel for a minute, but it didn’t reach very far. Instead of growth, this “knowledge” eventually caused atrophy, shrinking their understanding to their own bubble, limiting the extension of potential love by using qualifiers. “Oh, he feels loved when you give him gifts” (true enough, but what if I’m not good with gifts?). “Her love language is words of affirmation” (what if I’m not a big talker?).
They weren’t improved in any way, except in supposedly now knowing a new trait about themselves and others…
James, in speaking about wisdom, didn’t mention Gary Chapman, or love languages. He said, “ask God!”
Isn’t it funny when we insert manmade, “world” wisdom into our spiritual lives? As if we could wrangle self-improvement, put it in a little kennel like some emotional service pet to accompany us on our journey. Eventually the little pet dies and once again doubt shows up on your doorstep. What you trusted before—personality assessments, modern psychology, the good intentions of others—isn’t enough to chase the doubt shadow away.
In fact, it compounds frustration—how am I supposed to be in “community” when I need tons of personal space? Or my kid doesn’t obey me and I’m loving him in exactly the way his personality requires! Or why Should I stay in this relationship when we aren’t compatible?
The non-spiritual wisdom (that which values self/flesh) cannot hold up to the spirit-filled life (that which is made to worship Him), yet we Christians love to wallow in the former and bite our fingernails over the latter!
Paul contrasts these two ideologies when he writes to the Corinthians:
…the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than humans strength. Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong!
1 Cor. 1:25-27
The thing that truly changes us from our core is the personal transformation by the Holy Spirit to make us a person who had no wisdom, to one who does. Miraculous death to life—rebirth—this is the story of our victory, one that mirrors the resurrection of Jesus.
The motive behind the Gary Chapman quiz and self-improvement tchotchkes are to manifest a temporary, faux-discernment within the life of a believer without having to die to oneself.
But…you do have to die! Remember when Jesus told his disciples he must go to Jerusalem and die? Peter “took him aside and began to rebuke him. ‘Never, Lord!’ He said. ‘This shall never happen to you!’” (Matthew 16:22)
Jesus told Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns.” Then Jesus said to his disciples, “whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.”
(Matthew 16:23-24)
True discernment comes by way of death to self. It doesn’t come from the well-meaning, Peters in our lives who love to smother fires. It is far superior than anything human psychology could produce. In fact, it is a God-given gift—one that is given as a “key” to unlocking certain spiritual truths.
And not many find it, apparently, because
“Wide is the gate and broad the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.”
Matthew 7:13-14
Your situation, whatever it is, requires wisdom and Godly discernment, and it won’t come along a wide path, nor will it even agree with the culture of wider modern “Christian” thinking.
This is the truth: and it is the gospel that buries itself into every kernel of God-given wisdom:
When we turn from ourselves (repentance) toward God for salvation—when we take the leap to trust Jesus instead of ourselves (faith), the Spirit enters our lives (justification) and begins to, if we allow Him, transform our thinking and actions (sanctification).
This is discernment, God’s wisdom gift to us who trust Him.
It’s rock solid. It doesn’t rely on our emotions or play with our thoughts. It allows us to sleep at night. It helps us release our kids. It gives us compassion for others. It teaches us to guard our hearts and lips. It provides energy for day to day living.
Everything I need.
Cry out for insight, and ask for understanding. Search for them as you would for silver; seek them like hidden treasures. Then you will understand what it means to fear the Lord, and you will find the knowledge of God. For the Lord grants wisdom! From His mouth come knowledge and understanding.
Proverbs 2:3-6
